Sample of an Assessment of a Script for an Elevator Pitch

Icon for showing a rubber stamp with word 'Sample' on it

Introduction

The following is a professional assessment of a script for a 30-second pitch. It is clear, useful, applicable and actionable. In addition to what an opinion provides, an assessment of this pitch offers much more in-depth and detailed feedback and advice on what the author can do in future to make their pitch more effective.

You might find it interesting to compare this assessment with a professional opinion on the same pitch.

Also notice that the expert considers this pitch a poor one. Some would consider it a "bad" assessment. It is anything but, since it gives plenty of feedback and usable advice.

 
30-second Pitch title:  Sample script for Ramco elevator pitch
Assessed by:  anExpert
Submitted by:  aClient
  Snapshot of Document Submission being assessed
Title: Sample Ramco Pitch 1
Category: 30-second Pitch
Version: 1
Status: Assessment completed
By: aClient
The is a big gap between idea and execution. Ramco helps you bridge that gap quickly and cheaply. Our staff is made up of seasoned salesmen that will let you get your message across because as salesmen, we know people. I can see that we have piqued your interest. Would you like to set up an appointment later this week so that we can help you formulate your accelerated road to success?

Overall assessment notes

Poor. First word is spelt incorrectly. You could ask a question first to pique their interest. Remove the word "cheaply" as cost should be discussed when they meet. Also, the company should be sold on the benefits of using Ramco. "Quickly" and "cheaply" don't cut it.

Don't use the word "salesmen" as it is sexist and sometimes people don't want to hear a sales person will visit. Use "account managers" or "consultants" as these words imply a relationship.

Don't put "because as salesmen, we know people." Besides, every sales manager could say that about his or her people. Say something like "Our account managers have an average of ten years consulting experience in the (industry) in helping businesses like yours realize their goals by implementing (list a few activities)."

Criteria ratings

Criteria Rating  Weight Comments
Clear and understandable 30% x 3  
Unique and stands out 30% x 2

I can't tell what the client needs to implement. What field is he in? The message does not speak to Ramco's strengths.
Pain and opportunity identified 30% x 3

The only "pain" part is the gap between idea and execution.
Hard facts and real figures to back up pitch 10% x 2

No statistical information is provided.
Market size and who will pay 50% x 1

Not applicable in this case.
Market timing 50% x 2

Good idea to ask for an appointment, however, the client shouldn't be given the option of saying no to the appointment. Perhaps say something like "I'm available this Thursday and Friday. What time works better for you?"

Also, tell the client how long the meeting will take and there's no obligation on his part.
ROI and funding desired 10% x 1  
Works tag line in naturally 50% x 1

I don't know what the tag line is. Perhaps it could be worded. "Ramco helps businesses bridge the gap between ideas and implementation." I like "help you formualte your accelerated road to success."
Appropriate length 30% x 1

Message is about 20 seconds long.

 

Overall assessment score:

31% {The overall score is calculated by taking the weighted average of all criteria}

 

FAQ Topic: 
Samples